I must start this post off by saying that this is not one of my my usual light hearted stories.  I usually try not to be too serious on my blog because let’s face it. . . my husband (whom I love and adore) has enough seriousness in his body for the entire family so I try to keep myself (and family) balanced by taking it to the opposite extreme.  So probably once every six months I might feel led to be serious and you’ll get something like this.

Last night as I was driving by myself to meet some precious friends that I hadn’t seen in years a song came on the radio and I was reminded of some tough times that I went through not that long ago.  As many of you know I lost my Dad very suddenly last year in May.  It was awful and the worst pain I have ever experienced.  I had never lost anyone close to me so I had no idea what this would feel like.  The months after he passed away felt like I was walking around in a fog.  Probably fewer of you know that about five months later I found out I was pregnant.  We were very excited but were still dealing with the grief of my Dad, helping my Mom move, I walked 60 miles in the Breast Cancer 3-Day, etc, etc.  It was definitely an interesting time in my life.  Everything seemed to be getting better until I went in for a doctor’s appointment (by myself) at 10 weeks (right after I had just told my entire family & most of our friends) and there was no heartbeat.  I just began sobbing uncontrollably and I vividly remember saying to the doctor through my tears, “This is the worst year of my life.”  Thankfully, my doctor is a Christian and was so kind to me that day and over the next few weeks as I ended up having to have surgery.

Those next few weeks were such a dark time in my life.  I had never felt so emotionally empty and sad.  I was mad, confused, sad, hurt and drained.  I still knew what I believed and I knew that through it all God had a plan but all I could do was cry out to him.  Not even in words just in pain.  I listened to this song “Broken” by Lifehouse over and over again.  The chorus was my prayer because I didn’t even have the strength to come up with words of my own to say but it captured so well everything I was feeling.  I would literally sing it as my prayer to God over and over again as I cried my eyes out.  Here are the words to the chorus:

I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I’m holding on (I’m holdin on)(I’m holdin on)
I’m barely holding on to you

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I cried out to God with this song for weeks and then one day it was like the clouds rolled away and there was sunshine again.  There wasn’t some magical moment where all of a sudden I was ok with losing my Dad and a baby but God allowed me to have peace and joy and feel somewhat normal again.  Do I still have sad days sometimes?  Yes.  But, I am not consumed because I am still holding on and God has given me the strength to learn more about Him and reflect on what He has brought me through and use this to draw me closer to Him.

I really have no clue why I am writing about this tonight but last night as I was thinking back over this time in my life I just felt like God told me to share this and say just hold on.  I’m so thankful that my God is sovereign and He holds on to me when I’m barely hanging on to Him and that He brings scriptures to mind that I need when I am too upset to pick up my Bible and read it (just being honest).  When life is really hard and we don’t have the strength to do all the “Christian things” we should do all He asks is that we hold on to Him.

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