After two weeks of being away from home the exhaustion had started to set-in as we headed for the Anchorage airport.  I had prayed and prayed that we would have a very relaxing trip home with no major incidents.  What was I thinking?  Relaxing and calm do not go with airplane and Kelli Jones!

So we board our airplane and get settled in.  Once again it is a packed flight with a long stand-by list.  Everyone had boarded and we actually were ready to leave about 5 minutes early.  I’m thinking this is a good sign since we were already supposed to arrive at 10pm in Seattle and I knew we would all be so tired.  My first clue that this was going to be a strange flight was when the female flight attendant announced on the speaker the usual message about everyone needing to turn off their electronic devices once the door was shut but she added her own little flavor to it.  She said something to the effects of “All electronic devices must be turned off and stowed once the airplane door has been shut.  This includes Blackberry’s, Strawberries, Blueberries, and any kind of berry.”  What??   I did find this funny and looked at Bill and laughed.  The door was shut and everyone turned off their “berries” as we began to push back from the gate.  We are about to head for the run-way when a man two rows in front of me gets up out of his seat and goes to the flight attendants in the back.  I must pause and mention that we are on the 2nd row from the back (in other words in airplane hell!).  So I’m wondering what this guy is doing since we are about to take off.  I just hear the words “off the plane” and “not a good feeling.”  Again, I’m thinking: WHAT?  So the flight attendant picks up the magic phone and calls to the pilot to stop.  Yes people, the man’s wife is having a panic attack and wants off of the plane.  Now I know how real a panic attack can be and my heart breaks for this girl yet at the same time I’m kind of in disbelief that this is happening on the flight we are on (selfish, I know!)  So, we stop dead in our tracks and must now wait to be towed back to the gate.  30 minutes later we finally are towed back to the gate and the lady and her husband are allowed to get off.  Well, now that the door has been re-opened this creates a whole other TSA nightmare.  We now must re-verify the passengers on the plane!  Turns out we weren’t even on board!  Well, according to the papers.  So they put us on board (on paper) and we are allowed to leave again.

Now 50 minutes late we push off from the gate again.  We get out to the run-way and the plane stops again.  The pilot comes on the speaker and says the first officer is going to come out and do a quick inspection of the cabin.  Now I’m saying  “What the??”  It’s always comforting right before your plane is about to take off when one of the pilots comes out and is shining a flash-light and closely inspecting all of the emergency exits!  Yes, that’s what he did!  I’m now about to have a panic attack!  He returns to the cock-pit and we take off.  I’m now a pregnant girl in need of a large dose of alcohol!

Meanwhile, while all of the other chaos has been going on we are back in airplane cabin hell (2nd row from the back) packed like sardines with the weirdest group of people I’ve ever met.  I am seated on one side of the aisle with Griffin and Ayden and Bill is on the other side of the aisle with Parker and some strange man who is shoved against the window.  In front of Bill and Parker is an approximately 25 year old man with Down Syndrome (we’ll call him Bob), his 110 year old Grandmother, and another lady in her 60’s who is taking care of them both.  Please note that I am not making fun of people with special needs or Down Syndrome I’m just stating the facts of ALL that was happening at once on this airplane!  As we are sitting on the ground and all of the other craziness is going on Bob is rocking very forcefully in his chair while making loud noises.  He begins rocking faster and faster until the man next to Parker (who is directly behind Bob) has to hold his hands up because he thinks the chair is going to fly back and hit him in the face.  Parker begins getting scared because he wasn’t sure what was going on.  Minutes later poor Bob poops his pants.  It begins to reak all around!  I already have a weird stomach these days so the smell is making me want to dry heave!  It takes his mom/caretaker lady at least 15 more minutes to realize what has happened!  She finally does and takes him to the bathroom to take care of this issue and thus the smell went away!  During the flight Bob and his 110 year old Grandmother have to go to the bathroom 3 times.  Every time they have to get up it is an ordeal to say the least. Then when the flight attendants came around with food the mom/caretaker lady purchases cheeseburgers for all three.  She then decides to buy some wine for her and the 110 year old.  She tries to ask Grandma if she wants red or white wine but Grandma can’t hear.  She then begins to scream at the top of her lungs “MOM, RED OR WHITE?  RED OR WHITE?”  She did that about five times.  I am dying laughing along with a girl behind me.  What else do you do when you’re in airplane hell with a bunch a freaks (and I mean that with the love of Christ!)??

Yes, I know what you’re thinking . . . that’s it right?  No, that’s not it!  To top all of it off we have two male flight attendants in the back servicing all the “regular” folks that aren’t rich enough to pay for first class!  One of the flight attendants Bill and I nicknamed “Gay Napolean Dynamite” and the other was very militaristic.  Gay Napolean talked exactly like Napolean Dynamite with a gay flair!  You have to try and hear this in your head.  Below is a picture Bill tried to take of him but it was a night flight so it’s kind of dark.

Here are a few quotes from him (yes, I did start taking notes!)(Read these with your best Naploean impression):
~”Sit down!  Fasten your seatbelts.  We’re obviously moving. Uhh.” – This was said to a few passengers that were trying to go to the bathroom during the whole panic attack ordeal and we were not moving.
~”What are you doing?  We’re trying to take off?  Sit down!”  – Said to another passenger trying to get up.
~My favorite quote from Gay Napolean was one he said over the speaker for everyone to hear, “Stay out of the aisle when we come through with the drink cart.  It’s really heavy.”

The other flight attendant was just rude and I won’t even go into that since this is sooo ridiculously long.  There were a few other things (like the line that formed for the bathroom and having everyone put their butts in our faces while they waited, the women in front of us that decided to stand the whole flight, and the Alaskan Natives in front of us that were rude to all white people) but I’ll stop since it’s probably taken you five hours to read all of this.

Oh, wait and I must add one more!  Sorry!  When the pilot landed it was the worst landing ever.  It was like he just decided to drop us out of the sky and land on the ground with a big bang.  Seriously, I thought it could have forced London out of my tummy!  After everyone got off the plane you had to take a tram to get to the baggage area.  Well, a bunch of guys that were on our flight are all standing there with us talking about how horrible the landing was.  Standing right beside us is the pilot.  They notice him and ask him if he was our pilot.  He said he was and they began teasing him non-stop.  They asked him if he had been in the Navy and he said “No, the Army.”  Then they further teased him by asking if that was some sort of landing they did in Vietnam.  It was quite funny.  He took it all in stride and let them kid around with him.  He had no reason to give though for his bad landing!

Ok, I’ll really stop now!  After that experience I’m thinking I’ve got to start saving up for a private jet!

***Disclaimer:  I KNOW that the actions of this particular person with Down Syndrome on our flight are NOT typical of ALL people with Down Syndrome.  I have several great people in my life that have Down Syndrome so I am not a complete idiot on the subject.  I am simply and ONLY stating EXACTLY what was happening on our flight.  So there is no need for you to post a comment about how this does not reflect the actions of most adults with Down Syndrome.  I’ll just delete it! 

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