God is doing something.  And I know what you’re thinking, “Really? You’re so deep, Kelli!”  But it is so deep.  He is doing something in me that reaches to the very depths of all that is in me.  Sometimes I know God is working on me and I don’t like it because it’s ugly and it hurts.  But then there are the times when I’ve gone through all the ugliness and I start to come out on the other side and see the beauty He has created out of an ugly mess (usually created by yours truly!)  That’s where I feel like I’m at right now.  Don’t get me wrong, there is plenty of ugly mess left in me but He’s at work and I can feel it.   And I like it.  There are so many things He is doing right now in my heart and in our lives but for now I wanted to share about something He spoke to me this week.

Our Pastor is doing a series on Fear and so I have been thinking a lot about it lately.  Oh how well I know the ugliness and pain of fear.  I have spent the majority of my 31 years on this earth gripped by fear.  Fear of many things.  Fear of death, illness, financial ruin, people not liking me, etc, etc.!  Most people are scared and they don’t know what causes it or even realize the source of their anxiety.  But I know the truth.  I know fear is a sin that grips me and I wrestle with it like a venomous snake that is wrapped around my neck.  But I also know the truth and the truth is that there is freedom.  I don’t have to live like this.  Through Christ there is freedom.  I have received this freedom time and again when the enemy throws a fiery dart my way and I grab it with the truth and send it flying the other way.  Then there are the times when I am trying to do it all in my own strength and power and I let that fiery dart come straight for me and nail me right in the forehead.  This is when I believe Satan’s lies, I start listing all the “what if’s” and I begin to have physical symptoms caused from being anxious.  It is a downward spiral from there.  It doesn’t have to be like this.  I have a choice.

So this week I was thinking about when I was a little girl.  Every summer we used to go on vacation to South Padre Island.  The first few summers we went I was very afraid of the ocean.  I would walk along the beach just to the edge of where the waves would roll in.  I didn’t want the water to touch my feet.  One summer (I think I was 4 years old) I finally got brave enough to walk where the water barely touched my feet as the waves rolled in.  I had found my freedom and was enjoying walking and playing on the beach.  Well all of a sudden out of nowhere a giant horse dog (really just a dog but it was the size of a horse!) came running behind me.  So I did what any normal little girl would do and started running for my life!  I was running down the coast line of South Padre Island scared out of my mind while the giant horse dog thought we were playing a game and ran behind me.  My parents were screaming for me to stop running but I knew they must be crazy telling me to stop.  I kept running and running.  My Dad was running behind yelling for me to stop so that he could scoop me up and walk me back to our family.  But all I could think of was being eaten alive by this ginormous horse dog if I stopped.  I was exhausted (after all I was no 4 year old athlete you know!) but I had to keep running.

And then it hit me.  God brought this memory to mind this week and then He spoke.  He said, “Kelli, don’t you see.  You’re still acting like you’re a little girl.  You’re running for your life letting the fears of this world chase you like a big ginormous horse dog.  And I’m running beside you screaming at you to stop.  Pleading with you to just trust me enough to stop and I’ll scoop you up and carry you to safety.  Yet you’re running, exhausted, trying to do it all on your own when I could carry you.  Just trust me.”

I can’t tell you how powerful it has been to have this image ingrained into my heart.  I’m done running.  I’ve been scooped up in my Daddy’s arms.  It is here I find rest, safety, security and peace.  It is here I find everything I need.

¹ Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
² This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.
Psalm 91:1-2

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