God is doing something. And I know what you’re thinking, “Really? You’re so deep, Kelli!” But it is so deep. He is doing something in me that reaches to the very depths of all that is in me. Sometimes I know God is working on me and I don’t like it because it’s ugly and it hurts. But then there are the times when I’ve gone through all the ugliness and I start to come out on the other side and see the beauty He has created out of an ugly mess (usually created by yours truly!) That’s where I feel like I’m at right now. Don’t get me wrong, there is plenty of ugly mess left in me but He’s at work and I can feel it. And I like it. There are so many things He is doing right now in my heart and in our lives but for now I wanted to share about something He spoke to me this week.
Our Pastor is doing a series on Fear and so I have been thinking a lot about it lately. Oh how well I know the ugliness and pain of fear. I have spent the majority of my 31 years on this earth gripped by fear. Fear of many things. Fear of death, illness, financial ruin, people not liking me, etc, etc.! Most people are scared and they don’t know what causes it or even realize the source of their anxiety. But I know the truth. I know fear is a sin that grips me and I wrestle with it like a venomous snake that is wrapped around my neck. But I also know the truth and the truth is that there is freedom. I don’t have to live like this. Through Christ there is freedom. I have received this freedom time and again when the enemy throws a fiery dart my way and I grab it with the truth and send it flying the other way. Then there are the times when I am trying to do it all in my own strength and power and I let that fiery dart come straight for me and nail me right in the forehead. This is when I believe Satan’s lies, I start listing all the “what if’s” and I begin to have physical symptoms caused from being anxious. It is a downward spiral from there. It doesn’t have to be like this. I have a choice.
So this week I was thinking about when I was a little girl. Every summer we used to go on vacation to South Padre Island. The first few summers we went I was very afraid of the ocean. I would walk along the beach just to the edge of where the waves would roll in. I didn’t want the water to touch my feet. One summer (I think I was 4 years old) I finally got brave enough to walk where the water barely touched my feet as the waves rolled in. I had found my freedom and was enjoying walking and playing on the beach. Well all of a sudden out of nowhere a giant horse dog (really just a dog but it was the size of a horse!) came running behind me. So I did what any normal little girl would do and started running for my life! I was running down the coast line of South Padre Island scared out of my mind while the giant horse dog thought we were playing a game and ran behind me. My parents were screaming for me to stop running but I knew they must be crazy telling me to stop. I kept running and running. My Dad was running behind yelling for me to stop so that he could scoop me up and walk me back to our family. But all I could think of was being eaten alive by this ginormous horse dog if I stopped. I was exhausted (after all I was no 4 year old athlete you know!) but I had to keep running.
And then it hit me. God brought this memory to mind this week and then He spoke. He said, “Kelli, don’t you see. You’re still acting like you’re a little girl. You’re running for your life letting the fears of this world chase you like a big ginormous horse dog. And I’m running beside you screaming at you to stop. Pleading with you to just trust me enough to stop and I’ll scoop you up and carry you to safety. Yet you’re running, exhausted, trying to do it all on your own when I could carry you. Just trust me.”
I can’t tell you how powerful it has been to have this image ingrained into my heart. I’m done running. I’ve been scooped up in my Daddy’s arms. It is here I find rest, safety, security and peace. It is here I find everything I need.
1 Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. 2 This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.
Psalm 91:1-2
It’s conversations like the one below between me and my little men that keep me laughing, smiling, confused, etc. on a regular basis! I don’t know where they get some of the things they say but they do keep me laughing!
Me: “We’re going to take London to get her picture taken this afternoon.”
Parker: “Why?”
Me: “Because we’ve never had any pictures taken of her and I figured since she’s six months old we should go ahead and have some taken like we did of you guys”
Parker: “Can we be in the pictures too?”
Me: “Not today. I think we’ll just have baby pictures for London today. We’ve had your pictures taken before but not hers. We’ll do one of all of you soon when I figure out what you all could wear for that.”
Ayden: “Mom, but we need to have our pictures taken. You know that Griffin and me want to be famous.”
Griffin: “I don’t want to be famous. That means you have to be on tv. I don’t want my picture taken. Besides Michael Jackson is the only famous person. Oh and Adam. You know from American Idol. He got famous too. ”
So in case you were wondering what exactly it takes to be famous just consult my 3 year old. Apparently he’s got it all figured out!
Today was a rough day. It started out this morning going with my Mom to close on the sale of the house that I grew up in and she and my Dad lived in for 33 + years. It was the last place my Dad lived before he passed away. Many, many good memories were made in that house. It was a sad day but also I am glad that this burden has been lifted off of my Mom. I left the closing and came straight back over to my side of town to work. I have really REALLY REALLY been struggling lately with balancing working part-time, being a Mommy to 4 kids, a wife, keeping up with the house, blogging (ok, I don’t really struggle with blogging, I just don’t do it!) etc! Although my job is supposed to be part-time it has become harder and harder to do in 10 hours per week as our company is growing rapidly. Long story short I had to tell my boss that I cannot work beyond 10 hours per week (for my sanity). We both agreed that it would not be in the best interest of the company to divide the job up and that she would have to hire someone else. So basically I guess I quit my job! I’ll continue working until she finds someone else. I am relived but also trying to deal with feeling guilty for not being super-woman and being able to handle it all! Just when I was about to get a new cape too!
Anyway, so on days like today I love to be surrounded by my little people and Big Daddy and reminded of all the blessings I have! And I also love that they make me laugh! Sorry no funny stories tonight though. I’ll work on something better for the next post. I’ll leave you with a photo of our little queen at 4 months old and some pics of my crazy little men and photographic proof of why you don’t let your kids take pictures with your iPhone at the SnoCone stand. . . you look up and they’re starting their own “No Smoking” campaign!
Wow, I’m getting worse and worse at this! Seeing as that I just sit around eating chocolates all day while my servants take care of all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, refereeing, bottom wiping, bath giving, part-time job working, bill paying, etc. I’m not sure why I can’t find time to blog! Oh, well! One day I’ll get it together again. I hope! But, for now I’ll just do my best!
Even though it is now Wednesday I will take this opportunity to share what I’ve not been doing lately. If you want to read what everyone else has not been doing then head over to My Charming Kids and find out!
For the past few weeks we have been taking the boys for rollerblading lessons on Saturdays. They think it’s fun and you just basically show up and get to practice skating. Fun times! While at the lessons I realized our sweet little angel baby had some sort of terrible explosion in her diaper! I grabbed the diaper bag and ran out to the car to change her. I reached in to grab a diaper and didn’t find one. I started to panic as I realized there were no more diapers in there! Now what’s a Mommy to do! Well, I certainly did not take the burp cloth that I just wiped her mouth with and attempt to make a cloth diaper out of it. Afterall, I realize that cloth diapers have some sort of leakage protection (not really sure how that works but I know that it has to be something more than just a cloth!). Well, desperate times do call for desperate measures but that was not me that wrapped our poor tiny princess in a burp cloth and then put her bloomers back on top of it. And I would never purposely not hold my baby and carry her around in her carseat instead so that when the makeshift diaper leaked it would not get on me! Oh, and that was not my baby that had tee-tee dripping from the bottom of her carseat a mere 5 minutes later! And me being the brilliant mother that I am had not sat the carseat in my lap so that I could talk to my little angel and thus realized that the dripping tee-tee from the carseat was now all over my jeans! Not me!
As I’ve shared on my blog before I like to sing. A lot! And people don’t really enjoy listening to me. That’s ok. I still do it. One of the boys favorite songs is “We Will Rock You” by Queen. I think they’ve heard it on several movies (Gasp!) and that’s how they came to love it! Anyhoo, when my precious children came to me with food still on their faces the other day I did not sing to them in a British accent (I just really want to have an accent! Sorry!):
“You got FOOD on yo’ face
You big disgrace
Kickin’ your can all over the place
Singin’
We will we will rock you
We will we will rock you”
They did not join in with me after the third or fourth time I did this to them. Never in my house! Not me!
If I’ve said it once on here I’ve said it a hundred times before. I am a genius freak in the kitchen! I have tried to learn my limits but this week I have been pushing them. I’ve joined an organic produce co-op and I was given a bread machine. Both of which are pushing the envelope here for me if you know what I mean! However, I did not have all of these kitchen mishaps happen all in the same day:
*Tried to make oatmeal and added WAY too much salt. No one could stand it. It made my tongue pucker.
*Cut up a mango for Parker to eat. I wondered why it was so hard to cut. I gave it to him anyway. Apparently it wasn’t ripe. Bill said that’s why it still had green on the inside. Oops!
*Served my husband a lovely organicly grown salad for dinner. I thoroughly washed and “spun” the salad before serving. However, when I was cleaning up and went to put the leftover salad away for later I did not find mud (dirt + water from all the washing=mud) on several pieces of the spinach that was mixed in with what I had just served. My Mom, husband and myself did not eat mud salad! Wow, really!
*While I was making mud salad I decided to try out the bread machine. The bread that has been in the machine for well over three hours is still baking. I’m getting scared. It’s now 10:30pm and I really want to go to bed but I’m still waiting on my banana bread. Who new it took a bread machine 42 hours to bake! I’m really getting scared!
Kitchen mishaps? Not me!
Well, that’s it for now. Got to run stare at the bread machine! I hope you are having a fabulous week!
